Stephen's Symptoms

I first approached Andrew for therapy after having experienced panicky feelings of unreality in increasing frequency over the last few years. In May this year, I began having these panic experiences every day. My heart would race, I would become disoriented, I would not be able to understand or pay attention to others. Worst of all, I could not understand what was happening to me.

In the past, I have always had nervousness about health, which culminated in me going to the doctor and sexual health clinic more often than average. I had also had a bad trip whilst eating edible marijuana in Holland a few years ago. It was at this time that I experienced ‘unreality’ for the first time.

For the next few weeks, my mind became obsessed with thoughts that I was going crazy or losing my grip on reality. I approached Andrew with a vague idea that I might be experiencing anxiety; however, I knew almost nothing about it.

Treatment

Andrew identified my experience as anxiety caused by the feelings of unreality and began treatment based on mindfulness and acceptance.

Treatment was not without its challenges, as I was very easily overwhelmed towards the start of the process. A big stage in my treatment was realising the difference between resignation and acceptance. I have defined it for myself in this way: resignation is ‘giving up’ and resigning yourself to experience pain — nobody wants to live like that. Acceptance, on the other hand, is to acknowledge that certain eventualities could happen, and if they do, you will be ready with the tools available.

In matters of the mind, it would seem that if you are not prepared or dread to feel anxious and to think negative thoughts, you will think more of them. This is a difficult paradox and one that involved me facing my fear of unreality. I believe this process is what many people describe as a journey.

With Andrew’s help, I was able to accept the unreality and allow it to pass me by. This radically reduced the fear I had of it, and I quickly ceased to feel anxious in this regard.

This was not the end of my journey. In many ways, I feel as if my real journey was just beginning. I had begun to have many anxious thoughts about many different topics that seemed to change quickly, and it hurt very much to engage in them. I believe that I progressed into General Anxiety Disorder.

How to Rob Anxiety of it's Power

For this, Andrew and I talked about Mindfulness. In my own definition, this is the ability to think on two separate levels: to know that you are thinking something. I could think to myself ‘What if I do not sleep this evening?’ and I would cause myself great pain trying to avoid this thought, whilst I attempted to live in the gaps between thoughts when my mind was calm.

It took me a long time to realise that the object of anxiety treatment is not to never have the thought again. It is to feel fully prepared so that when you have the thought, you will be able to deal with it, and it will not hurt you. For negative thoughts, the ability to allow a thought to live with you whilst not engaging with it is an excellent way to rob it of its power. For emotions, again, mindfulness that they will come and go (and that you do not need to interact with or suppress them in any way) is the best course of action. In both cases, mindfulness allowed me the tool necessary to feel prepared in advance of the thought or feeling.

What I Learned

I have had a number of revelations over the course of the journey. I firmly believe that knowledge dispels fear, and that as I became more aware of why I was experiencing what I was experiencing, my journey became much easier. The most insightful thing I realised was that I was scared of anxiety, and this fear is what made that anxiety worse.

This may have seemed obvious, and it probably was, but I never connected it with the reason my mind would throw up hundreds of different scenarios for me to attempt to deal with. For a long time, I had no idea why this was happening. I believe my mind had become so wary about the feeling of anxiety, it was simulating different situations ‘just in case’ they happened. This piece of insight was illuminating; it allowed me to fully understand what was happening, and further reduced my negative thoughts.

My journey is ongoing and gets slightly easier every day. With the awareness and understanding I now have, I have very little fear of negative or catastrophic thoughts or even the feeling of anxiety itself. I hope one day to reflect on this experience as ultimately beneficial to my life, equipping me as it has with a number of tools to manage thoughts and emotions, and opening the door for me to think differently about the pursuit of happiness and success in my life.