Most couples don't set out to hurt one another.
In fact, many of the couples I meet care deeply about each other. The difficulty is that when relationships become strained, people can find themselves caught in patterns of communication that leave both partners feeling hurt, misunderstood and disconnected.
The relationship researcher Dr John Gottman spent decades studying couples and identified four communication patterns that were strongly associated with relationship distress. He called them the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
Although the name sounds dramatic, these patterns are surprisingly common. Most of us will recognise at least one of them in our own relationships. The important thing is not whether they happen occasionally, but whether they become the usual way of relating to one another.
Criticism
Criticism goes beyond expressing a complaint about a specific behaviour. Instead, it attacks the character of the other person.
For example, saying "I felt disappointed when you forgot to call" is very different from saying "You never think about anyone except yourself." Criticism often develops when frustrations have been building up for some time. What begins as disappointment can gradually turn into blame.
Defensiveness
When people feel criticised, they often become defensive. They may explain themselves, make excuses, deny responsibility or point out what their partner has done wrong. Defensiveness is usually not a sign that somebody doesn't care. More often, it is an attempt to protect themselves from feeling blamed, judged or inadequate.
Unfortunately, when both people are busy defending themselves, neither feels properly heard.
Contempt
Of the four horsemen, contempt is generally considered the most damaging. Contempt involves communicating from a position of superiority. It can appear as sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, dismissive comments or speaking to a partner with obvious disrespect.
Contempt often develops when hurt and resentment have been left unresolved for a long time. The warmth and goodwill that once existed begin to give way to frustration and bitterness.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally withdraws from the conversation. They may become silent, look away, leave the room or stop responding.
This behaviour is often misunderstood. In many cases, the person who is stonewalling is not trying to ignore their partner. They may simply feel overwhelmed. When emotions become too intense, our ability to think clearly and listen effectively can begin to shut down. At that point, productive conversation becomes very difficult.
Recognising the Pattern
One of the most hopeful findings from Gottman's research is that healthy relationships are not free from conflict. Successful couples disagree, become frustrated and occasionally get things wrong, just like everyone else. The difference is that they learn to recognise these patterns and respond differently.
Behind criticism there is often hurt. Behind defensiveness there may be shame or fear of being judged. Behind contempt there is frequently resentment and disconnection. Behind stonewalling there is often emotional overwhelm. When couples begin to understand what is happening beneath the surface, conversations can become less about proving who is right and more about understanding one another's experience.
Recognising the four horsemen is not about labelling a relationship as good or bad. Instead, it offers a useful way of understanding the patterns that may be keeping a couple stuck and provides a starting point for creating healthier, more connected conversations. Read more about couples counselling here.