In the last two articles, we've seen that thoughts, feelings and behaviours aren't equally under our control. We also looked at how spending too much time trying to get rid of anxiety, worry, self-doubt or sadness can sometimes leave us feeling even more stuck.
So if trying to control our thoughts and feelings isn't always the answer, what should we focus on instead?
The answer may be simpler than you think. We can focus on our behaviour.
This brings us back to the little experiment in the first article
. We found that behaviour was the part of our experience we could usually influence most directly. As it turns out, that's more important than it might first appear.
Most of us naturally assume that feelings come first and behaviour follows afterwards. We tell ourselves things like, "I'll do it when I feel more confident," or "I'll start when I feel more motivated."
Unfortunately, life doesn't always work that way.
Waiting to Feel Better
Imagine you're anxious about going to a social event.
You might decide to wait until you feel more confident before accepting an invitation. The difficulty is that confidence often develops by attending social situations, not by avoiding them.
The same thing often happens with depression. Someone may wait until they feel motivated before becoming active again. Yet motivation frequently begins to return after people start engaging with life, rather than before.
In both cases, people can become trapped. They're waiting for a feeling that may never arrive until they begin behaving differently.
Behaviour Creates New Experiences
Every time we behave differently, we give ourselves the opportunity to have a different experience.
If you avoid situations that make you anxious, you never get the chance to discover whether you could cope with them.
If you withdraw from activities you once enjoyed, you reduce your opportunities for pleasure, achievement, connection and meaning.
If you constantly seek reassurance, you may experience temporary relief, but you never learn that uncertainty can be tolerated.
Those new experiences often change how we think and feel far more effectively than trying to think or feel differently first.
That's why many behavioural therapies encourage people to stop waiting for confidence or motivation before taking action. Instead, they help people take small, manageable steps towards the life they want to live.
Learning to Act Alongside Difficult Feelings
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, often known as ACT, takes a slightly different approach.
Instead of asking, "How do I get rid of these thoughts and feelings?" it asks a different question.
Can I still do what matters, even while these thoughts and feelings are here?
For example, you may feel anxious and still attend the social event.
You may experience self-doubt and still apply for the job.
You may notice the urge to avoid the situation, seek reassurance or escape, and still choose to do what matters instead.
The goal isn't to eliminate difficult thoughts and feelings before living your life. The goal is to learn how to live your life more fully, even when those experiences show up.
A Different Relationship with Feelings
One of the surprising things many people discover is that feelings often begin to change when they stop making emotional control their main goal.
Anxiety may reduce because they're no longer constantly monitoring it.
Confidence may grow because they're doing things that matter to them.
Mood may improve because they've become more engaged with life.
This doesn't happen because they've successfully forced their feelings to change. It happens because changing their behaviour creates new experiences, and those experiences naturally begin to influence how they think and feel.
Of course, there are no guarantees. Sometimes difficult thoughts and feelings stay with us for longer than we'd like. But if we spend our lives waiting for the perfect emotional state before taking action, we risk putting large parts of our lives on hold.
We often assume we need to feel differently before we can live differently. In reality, the opposite is often true. By changing what we do, we gradually create the experiences that help change how we think and feel.
That's one of the central ideas behind Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. A meaningful life doesn't begin when anxiety disappears, self-doubt vanishes or motivation finally arrives. It begins when we start taking small steps towards what matters, even while those difficult thoughts and feelings are still part of the journey.